If you met my family right now we seem like we kinda have things together. Two happy healthy kiddos, bowling day dates. We renovated a farmhouse. We go to church most Sunday mornings. I am active in our local version of PTA. Many in our community know the story that has led us here, but many brides who are meeting me for the first time don’t know our long backstory. I want to start to share that story today.
It’s been a year since the last page of the hardest chapter of my life was written. I wish I could say it was the end of the chapter, but I can’t say that with certainty. The last three years have shaped me so much! I’m finally sitting down and formally share our story. After writing so much of this out I have decided to break it down into a series for the blog that I will be sharing on Sunday’s. This is part one. Once I have shared the rest of the story there will be a link at the bottom of this to the next part.
We were the first in our friend’s group to have a baby. Though many of them followed suit shortly after becoming a mom and a wife so quickly I felt so out of place. So many times I found myself questioning God’s plan. I was sure I would have gotten to go further in my rodeo career. With each college rodeo, I was getting closer to the top ten I was finally starting to fire on all cylinders with my horse. Then I got pregnant and Justin and I got married shortly after Skyler was born. It just felt right to not have any more kids for awhile while I tried to figure out this new wife and mom gig all at once. It wasn’t until January of 2016 that we decided it was time to start trying for baby number two.
I was so excited to finally have a normal pregnancy. My first pregnancy had been clouded with judgment and hidden from so many while I finished up the last semester of college before moving home. I was ecstatic in late March when that pregnancy test blinked
The second week of April my dad called me to tell me my grandmother in Florida had passed away. He was on his way down there now to help my grandpa plan the funeral. My sisters and I loaded up the car to make the
I had been really sick when I was pregnant with Skyler and I knew I was nearing that point in this pregnancy. But this wasn’t that kind of feeling. I was starting to get cramps, bad. We made it to Bismarck, and through TSA. We boarded the plane early since we had toddlers in tow. As soon as we took off I could tell I was starting to bleed. I made a bee-line for the bathroom the moment the seatbelt light shut off. It was there somewhere over Iowa I had a miscarriage. The entire flight was uncomfortable; I was sad I was mad, and no one to talk to. I finally told my sister what was happening and though she tried her best to comfort me all I wanted to do was to be at home in bed in my husband’s arms.
It was early in the pregnancy and something was probably wrong genetically but that was my baby that was suppose to be the easy pregnancy. I never did talk about miscarrying with the rest of my family on that trip. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I cried at that funeral
As the rest of my family met up that evening on the back deck of the retirement community where my grandparents live in I stayed in my room under my covers crippled by pain guilt, and sorrow. Though I have always believed that God has a plan for our lives, often we can’t see the bigger picture he is painting. At that moment it was hard to trust in God’s
The last day of our trip we drove down to Myrtle Beach where we stayed the night before flying out the next morning. That evening we took the kids to the beach. Sky chased seagulls and looked for seashells. It was one of the first times that week I had really even paid attention to my sweet baby girl on her first big trip. I felt like such a failure all over again. Here I was cursing God about not letting my baby experience and enjoy life yet here was Skyler at four years old having the time of her life running from waves and trying to brush the sand off her legs and I was missing it all. I’d like to say that is when I turned it all around and became super grateful and a much more attentive mother and wife. It defiantly was a wakeup call but as soon as we got home that empty feeling was back and I was sad again.
Early term miscarriage happens so much more often then anyone speaks about. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recently conducted a study showing that 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. So many people don’t talk about it. It’s such a scary and heartbreaking reality for so many couples. Everyone handles it differently. I think that can make it harder to talk about. Not knowing if your experience will impact someone else.
I think Justin felt pretty helpless in our situation. He was miles away when it happened and for the week following. It was hard for us to even talk about. I felt like it didn’t matter to him. He hadn’t witnessed the pain and sorrow I had felt those first few days. It definitely led to a strain on our relationship. It took some time but we finally realized the only way through this was together. In the end, it opened communication between us. That wasn’t easy, it was hard, it meant we both had to dig deep for the words to describe how we were feeling.
I have no doubt that this was an important step on the path God has set for our family. This sad and painful chapter set the stage for some of the biggest challenges we would face. God truly is a master of design. Only later reflecting back on everything can I truly see part of God’s bigger picture. If you are finding yourself in the valley of a miscarriage, know that I am praying for you. This is not the end of your story. It may not feel like it today, or tomorrow, or even a year from now. But God’s story for you is perfect, you are right where you need to be. Lean into those who love you, lean into God.
Thank you for taking the time to read the unknown start of our story. I will be sharing next week about the first of what would be many heart surgeries for my husband, Justin. If this part of our story resonated with you please leave a comment below! Know that if you too have found yourself facing the valley of miscarriage you are not alone.